The Past Is a Grotesque Animal

[Josh Bernstein]

May 9th 1970

---

The images splashed across the televisions and newspapers were horrific. Only four days after the shooting at Kent State, eleven people had been bayoneted by the New Mexico National Guard. Josh's parents gave more hugs than usual in the days after, and the ten-year-old accepted them gratefully.

"Why are they killing us?" He asked plaintively over dinner, identifying himself with the protesters rather than the full fifty-eight percent of the country who blamed the students for their own deaths. "We're civilians, they're supposed to protect us. It's bad enough they kill other country's people, but they aren't at war with us."

Charlie shook her head sadly as she refilled his glass of water. "But they are at war with us, boopkie. It's why we protest."

Bobby shakily placed his fork to one side, then reached across the table to grab his younger son's hand. "Your mother is right. We have to fight it, or it will get worse. Far worse. They don't care if any of us died. If they did, they wouldn't draft all our young men to fight."

"We have to be vigilant." Matt added, pleased at a chance to use one of his vocabulary words from school.

Five year old Talia shoveled the last bit of her lasagna into her mouth, then held out her plate. "More please, mommy." She asked in her sweetest voice.

Josh slumped into his seat, distressed by the vision of reality his parents painted. "Vigilant." He whispered, turning this new word over in his tongue. "Need to be vigilant."

He wasn't sure what that meant, but it felt important, and he made a mental promise to himself.

He would be vigilant.
L

[Josh Bernstein]

June 1977

---

Charlie Bernstein struggled to open the apartment door, laden down as she was with several grocery bags. From his spot in the living room reading Josh looked up, then placed aside his book in order to go help his mother.


"Oh, thank you, boopkie," She panted as he held open the door. "I bought so many cartons of orange juice at the store, but they're so heavy."

As she entered the apartment Josh allowed the door to close so that he could take two of the bags from her. "Orange juice?" He asked, placing the bags on the counter and pulling out their contents -- which were, in fact, a total of six cartons of orange juice.

"Those gays are boycotting it because of that sweet little Anita Bryant." His mother informed him, pulling out several more cartons of orange juice. "It's just awful that they want to silence the truth.


"Oh."

Charlie appeared not to notice the discomfort on her son's face as she continued. "She is absolutely right to be concerned for our children. Can you imagine, letting gay men near boys? They're trying to punish her for exposing them, so of course I had to show her support."

"Oh."

"So we aren't going to have anything to drink in this house but orange juice." At last she noticed his expression, and she frowned in concern, "Boopkie, are you okay?"

Josh shook his head. "I..ahh..I just have a bit of a headache. I'm going to go lie down."

Charlie clucked and shooed him in the direction of his room. "Go, go, I don't need you getting sick right before we go to the shore."

Josh nodded silently, not trusting himself to say more than that before he hurried off to his room.

It was going to be a long summer break.

[Josh Bernstein]

October 13th 1979

---

The smell of weed and sweat clung to their hair and to their clothes.

"I need a shower." Harvey declared as Sean pulled the van into the front of the motel.

"Me, too," Greg agreed, yanking his door open. "Let's go get our rooms."

A cluster of black drag queens on the corner glanced at the group of predominantly white men piling out of the van and huddled closer to one another, expressions guarded even after Mike grabbed Harvey's hand in an open display of affection.

Loretta placed a fist on the small of her back and stretched. "Uuugh. I'm so stiff," She complained. Agatha bobbed her purple dye job in agreement.

"I'll go get a luggage cart while Greg checks us in," She announced. Daphne followed after her.

Josh made his way around to the driver's side of the van, waving cheerfully at Sean. The telepath rolled down his window and leaned out. "We made it." He announced.

Josh stood on tiptoes to press his lips against Sean's, thinking loudly for only Sean to hear.

I love you.

[Josh Bernstein]

May 25th 1986

---

Fifteen minutes was not a very long time. In fact, it was a terribly short time, particularly when weighed against the decades (centuries!) of hunger and poverty that had plagued the world.

Fifteen minutes could easily be spared on a Sunday evening, even with classes the next day.

Fifteen minutes, or ten dollars if you wanted to reserve your spot. Ten dollars was hardly any amount of money at all.

He had gone with some of his neighbors, fellow fighters in the quest for justice. Trina, Katy and Davy all lived together in the apartment below his, and if Katy perhaps preferred to keep to herself more than Josh could understand, and Trina sometimes hinted that maybe he ought to hook up with Davy more than he would like, he still considered them friends.

And this was why.

Because they would stand with him for fifteen minutes, holding hands.

Raising money.

And if everyone were more like them wouldn't the world be a better place?

[Josh Bernstein]

February 1994

---

"Congratulations!"

Josh smiled at his baby sister while they maneuvered their way through Central Park. He still thought of her as his baby sister, but she was almost twenty-nine. Far past being an adult, and plenty old enough to be getting married.

It was still difficult to believe.

"Oh, I can't wait to plan the wedding." Talia sighed wistfully. "Sean's invited, of course."

Josh dipped his head in acknowledgement. "Of course."

Sean had been invited to Matt and Michelle's wedding, too. He's one of the family, Matt had said, and the rest of the Bernstein clan had agreed.

"He likes David. And," Josh added, "So do I. I'm honored to gain him as a brother."

Even better because David was an attorney, as well, which gave the two men plenty to discuss. And the other man was kind and gentle, and he treated Talia well. He was everything Josh could have asked for his little sister.

Talia's eyes crinkled in delight at the compliment. "David likes both of you, too."

Josh swallowed a sudden lump in his throat at being grouped together with his best friend. "Ahh...good. I...I'm happy for you." His smile was perhaps more strained now than it had been when she'd made her announcement, but it was difficult to remain smiling when she had reminded him so forcefully of his separation from Sean.

Best friends, but nothing more. And that was his fault, but he couldn't change the missteps of the past now.

It still hurt.

"You know mom'll be asking when your turn is before I'm even finished walking down the aisle," Talia teased, and Josh was brought sharply back to reality.

"Oh..ahh." He shrugged awkwardly. "I suppose she'll have to wait until I meet the right person, then."

It would never be his turn.

[Josh Bernstein]

April 2002

---

Less than half the birthday cake remained, crumbling over on the kitchen table with the weight of its own frosting. Abby and Rivka were whispering in one corner; Noah was stomping loudly about the living room in an attempt to shake off his younger brother. Tomer had long since disappeared.

Only the adults remained seated around the kitchen table.

"I think it's time for presents!" Talia announced, gently handing over a brightly wrapped box. The familiar sound of clinking could be heard as the box moved, and Josh squinted in curiosity at it as he tried to recall just where he'd heard that sound before.

"Open it!" David encouraged, although Josh hardly had to be prodded. He eagerly tore into the paper, tossing it carelessly onto the floor.

"It's...beer." He realized, expression bemused. He was very fond of beer, of course, but it wasn't a typical birthday present.

The rest of his family contorted their faces in an effort not to laugh.

"It...it...it was Tomer's idea." Talia explained breathlessly. This revelation spelled doom for the attempted suppression; Matt and Michelle and Talia and David all fell over laughing at this.

Josh hefted the beer with a small chuckle of his own. "When he comes out again I'll have to thank him. Seems he knows what I like."

The peals of laughter renewed at that, and Josh eyed his family reproachfully. "If you think it's so funny then I guess you don't want any...."

The other four immediately straightened up. "No, no." David wiped his brow with a chortle. "We...we....we would love some."

"That," Josh sniffed as he began passing out his birthday gift, "is what I thought."

[Josh Bernstein]

Post Break Up

---

"Thanks for helping," Josh told his father as he affixed a mezuzah to the door frame of his new apartment.

"Of course. Always happy to help. It's a nice place, too." Bobby commented, gazing around the newly furnished room. It had been some work, moving all of Josh's belongings -- and purchasing furniture to fill out what was missing -- but it had been worth it. "Feels almost like a home now."

Josh stood back to admire his handiwork, then closed the door. "...I guess so."

Bobby's eyes creased into a frown. "You can come by for supper anytime you want, you know. We aren't so far away."

Josh shook his head. "I know."

A moment of silence passed, and then Bobby said, "Why didn't Sean help you move in? Was he busy today?"

Josh shrugged wordlessly.

"You know, if you talk to him he'll probably forgive you."

The younger Bernstein's shoulders jerked. "We aren't fighting!"

"You moved out."

"Yes."

"You should talk to him about it. I know we just bought this place but breaking contract wouldn't break the bank."

Josh shook his head vehemently. "We aren't moving back in together. It'll be easier for him to find a girlfriend without a roommate around."

"Did he say that?"

"No, but--"

"If I never talked to your mother when we had a falling out I would long since be moved out of our house."

Josh tensed and turned away. "What does that have to do with Sean?"

"Your mother is my best friend, and we still fight. We talk it out. That's how best friends work, Josh. Surely you know that by now?"

Josh shook his head, blinking back angry tears. "We aren't fighting. And there's nothing to talk to him about."

Bobby's expression was pained, but his son was looking at the floor. "I don't know why you moved out but I..."

"NO." Josh nearly shouted, then shuddered as he inhaled. "No, there's nothing. Nothing to talk about." He swallowed and turned to give his father an unconvincing smile. "All that moving made me hungry. Let's go see what mom made for supper."

[Josh Bernstein]

[TW: AIDS related deaths, suicide, transphobia, homophobia)

Josh's social circle and AIDS, years '81-'85

---

1981

They had initially met Stuart in a bar. He had flirted with Sean, but backed off when he noticed Josh's glares. To make up for it he had offered to give them a discount on the horse-drawn carriage tours of the City that he gave.

He refused to give his phone number, but occasionally they saw him at the bar and exchanged pleasantries. Josh didn't think much of it when Stuart was out with "colds" so much of the winter, although Sean watched with worry.

One day he stopped showing up. He hadn't left contact information with anyone at the bar, and nobody knew what had happened until they saw his obituary in the paper.

Then Josh understood why he didn't give out his phone number:

He left behind a wife and children.

---

Dwayne was a friend of Mike and Harvey's. He played in a jazz band, and sometimes the Radicals and their friends went to listen in support. They could tell he was worried when his ex fell ill.

His worry was well founded.

1982

First Mike, and then Harvey not long after.

Then the owner of a bathhouse Greg had introduced them to, and three of the employees. Noah, Ron, Eugene, and Kevin. Eugene had just moved to the City from Oregon, and wanted to be an actor. Josh remembered telling him he would definitely succeed, because he had those classic movie star good looks.

---

Luis was a street artist. He'd recognized Sean and Josh as kindred spirits, and drawn them a portrait that they had to keep secret when their parents visited.

While in the hospital he kept drawing, even as his work became more and more erratic through weakness.

1983

Her name was Sabrina, and she was in the JD program with him but all that he knew about her was that she was quiet and serious and was the first to leave the class each day. Until the day he came in and saw her crying he had never spoken to her before. When he asked she told him she had married over the summer, and her husband had recently become very ill.

She avoided him after that, but he noticed when she stopped coming to classes. He didn't know who to ask, or how to get in touch with her. He didn't know if she was sick, too.

---

Lance lived in the apartment above him and Sean. Unlike them, he lived alone, but sometimes he entertained visitors. He was estranged from his family. They never came for him when he went to the hospital.

They left disposing of his remains to the health authorities.

1984

Stanley was always too competitive at board games, and nobody ever wanted to play with him. But he was a reliable activist, full of energy and rage. Watching his energy wane hurt. His mother was the only family member to come for him, in the end.

---

Malik loved winter the best, because that was when he got to dress up as Santa and ask little children what they wanted for Christmas. He had two children of his own, from before he came out, but he didn't have custody. He had rarely been allowed to see them when they were growing up, and he talked about them with so much regret it almost made Josh cry every single time.

His partner, Joey, had never had children, but he loved and wanted them.

They wouldn't get to have children together.

Malik's children didn't come to their father's funeral.

---

Josh and Devon crossed paths every morning, Josh on the way to class and Devon walking his mastiff. Josh always wondered how he could keep such a huge dog in an apartment.

Later, he wondered what happened to the dog after Devon was gone.

---

Josh often chatted with Bruce at the laundromat. The first time they met Bruce had told him, "You're cute, too bad you're taken." and the law student had been too flustered to say anything else until he left. But eventually he accepted that the flirtation was not serious; Bruce flirted with everyone.

And everyone came out to his funeral.

1985

Willie was only an adequate tailor, but his prices were inexpensive, so he never lacked clients. And maybe a few of those clients frequented him because he attended the same leather bar that they did. There, at the bar, he wasn't an adequate tailor. There he was a respected and respectful Dom.

His best friend buried him in leather.

---

Melvin was a podiatrist, and also Josh's neighbor. At night she was a beautiful torch singer, but she was buried as a man.

---

Glen and Herbert ran a grocery mart down the street from Josh's apartment. Herbert was the face of the store, always cheerful and smiling. He knew everyone, not only their names but their interests and their lovers and their family and their hobbies. He knew about weddings and graduations and birthdays.

He knew about funerals.

After Herbert's funeral Glen closed the store.

Glen never was diagnosed with AIDS; instead, he overdosed.

[Josh Bernstein]

1986-87


1986

Lamar was the first person Josh knew who was diagnosed with HIV. A new diagnosis, but one that lead to the same illness that had killed so many in the previous years. His partner of a decade had left two months before, only to rapidly fall ill. He wanted someone to come with him to testing at the clinic, for support.

When the results came back, Josh held him while he cried.

---

Josh had known Gideon for longer than he had known the other man was gay. The Bernstein family hadn't attended temple often, but Gideon's family had. They had never been friends, not until they'd run into one another at a bathhouse. Josh had been living with Sean at the time. Gideon was living with Brian.

"Of course my parents know," Gideon had told Josh when the other man had expressed incredulity about the pair spending time with his parents together. As a couple. "Both our parents knew."

And their parents buried them together.

---

Timothy was a professor and a decade older than Josh, but they ran in the same circles. They'd often attended the same protests and marches, which lent the older man an air of wisdom in Josh's eyes. But when students found out he was sick, they began to refuse to attend his classes.

1987

Daniel was only a year older than Josh, but he had never attended college. His parents had been too poor to afford it, a fact Josh could barely comprehend. He certainly hadn't been able to tell, when he and Daniel had met a little under a decade ago at a club, that the other boy was poor.

He was hopeful when the FDA approved drugs that might help, although he wasn't sure if they would be affordable; the menial labor he had performed had barely allowed him to save up before he had gotten ill, and he'd almost wiped out what little he had saved on medical bills.

He never got his prescription.

---

Henry got AIDS despite the Helms Amendment. Or maybe because of; it was difficult to educate frankly with the stipulations regarding discussion of homosexuality. Henry was younger than Josh, enough so that he should have benefited from sex ed. Enough younger that Josh only talked to him when there was a group around, because it was weird to be a 27 year old talking to an 18 year old in a club where people came for hook ups.

Later, when Henry's parents found out, they blamed everyone at the club for their son's death.

---

Nancy was one of Josh's favorite waitresses. She always prepared his coffee exactly as strong as he liked it, and she knew the perfect portion for a slice of cake. When she was off her game he knew something was wrong. Fatigued, exhausted, she said. But those conditions became more and more frequent. Then one day she wasn't there anymore.

He only found out the truth later, when someone else said she had been fired because of management's fears.

---

Enis worked as a docent at one of those obscure, inconsequential museums that almost nobody had heard of, unless they were specifically looking for museums. On his days off he played in an obscure band at an obscure venue, and once a week he played trivia with his friends while showing off knowledge of obscure minutiae. Josh enjoyed trivia nights, even though he failed abysmally at anything that wasn't civil rights or Roman history.

Enis wanted to continue trivia nights at the hospital, but the doctors wouldn't allow it. Eventually he wasn't the only member of trivia night hospitalized, and their group dissolved through the death one by one of too many of its members.

[Josh Bernstein]

Fall semester 1978

---

The worst part of living in the school dorms was the lack of privacy. If he wanted to use the bathroom or shower he had to head to showers shade by the entire hall. Not very convenient for finding a private spot to look through the magazines Greg had given him.

He didn't want anyone to find out who didn't already know (which was only Greg. And maybe Sean since he could read minds but that was better left unexamined)

The upside was that his roommate was generally uninterested in any of Josh's doings, so long as he didn't get in the way of hookups

And when his roommate was occupying their dorm he could usually find a welcome at Greg and Sean's apartment whether or not Sean was around.

Sometimes during his visits Greg handed him more magazines to look at. Josh couldn't decide if this was an upside or a downside.

It was awkward and exciting in equal measures, though much more awkward when Sean was present and much more exciting when he was completely alone.

But in those moments it was completely worth it.

[Josh Bernstein]

February 1978

---

Valentine's Day expectations were decidedly inconsistent, Josh felt. In Elementary scoop you were supposed to bring cards for the whole class, but once Junior high began distributing cards to anyone you weren't romantically attracted to became feminine.

Instead you were expected to sneer about it with your friends (which of course he did) while also putting on a display for your girlfriend (which he had).

He had thought about making her a card, like Matt did for his girlfriend, but the last time he had made a card he has been in fifth grade and he'd made it with construction paper and macaroni.

He didn't think Bekah would be impressed.

"Why you're supposed to give her flowers and take her out to eat," his mother had chided when he had asked her advice. So he had bought flowers and also a book about famous women mathematicians and also made reservations at a restaurant his mother had suggested.

When he picked Bekah up he had hurriedly shoved the gifts at her. She giggled nervously and ran back inside to place them on the kitchen table before calling goodbye to her parents.


As they made their way down the stairs of the apartment building he hesitantly reached for her hand. She closed her fingers over his, and then they both looked away. Such physical contact was awkward for both of them, but they knew it was expected. Girlfriends and boyfriends held hands; if they didn't display some physical affection then they might just be friends.

Maybe.

If it was possible for girls and boys to be friends. There was conflicting information on that front.


"Uhhh. You...ahhh....dressed up. It looks nice." Josh mumbled. Although he wasn't attracted to her, not the way he was supposed to be. He just wanted to sit together and talk about politics, not kiss her or anything. But she did look nice in the blue and white dress she had picked out. Maybe if they spent enough time together thinking she looked nice would shift into wanting to kiss her.

She bit her lower lip and scratched the back of her neck with her free hand. "Thanks uhhh. You do, too."

Only he didn't think she really wanted to kiss him, either. Which was a bit of a relief, really; maybe it was possible to have a non-kissing romance. Maybe she would never be too upset he didn't want to, because she wanted the same kind of relationship he did.

His friends all really liked kissing their girlfriends, but he didn't think any of them ever thought about kissing men, either. He didn't want to ask. What if they said yes, and they liked kissing girls anyway? Then there would really be something wrong with him. Or maybe they would stop being his friend.

He wasn't sure which outcome would be worse.

As they walked their fingers loosened, and by the time they reached the restaurant their hands were decoupled.

Josh didn't notice.

[Josh Bernstein]

February 14th 1979

---

Josh had looked forward to this day since he and Sean had finally stopped dancing around their attraction to one another. His very first Valentine's Day with Sean! He was sure that it would be nothing short of magical.

But then he just had to get the flu.

He'd been sick for the past three days, and although he kept praying that he would be well enough by The Day...that hadn't happened. He remained miserable, congested and shivering and aching all over. He'd used up every box of tissues in his dorm, but his roommate wasn't around for him to ask for more -- In fact, his roommate had very wisely vacated the dorms for the duration of Josh's plague -- and he was not going to call his parents and tell them. He didn't want them to bring him home, because he might get better.

And then he would have a date.

At first he didn't hear the soft knock on the door, too wrapped up in his aching head and his inflamed nasal passageways to really notice anything outside of himself. But the knocking persisted, and then a voice (muffled a bit, perhaps due to his illness) sounded in his head.

Josh? It's me, Sean.

Josh strained to raise his head over his covers, blinking crustily at the door. "Come in." He croaked, and whether Sean heard the verbal offer or overheard the mental echo he opened the door and stepped softly through, bearing a very large paper bag.

"I brought some soup and juice." His boyfriend held the bag aloft. "Don't get up. I'll serve you in bed."

Josh gave the other boy a grateful smile. Perhaps it wasn't the romantic date he'd envisioned, but he definitely had the Best Boyfriend in the World.

[Josh Bernstein]

February 14th 1980

---

Valentine's Day was a day of romance and devotion and cuddling. For heterosexual couples this meant showering one another with affection in public.

Josh had spent the day deeply envious of his straight classmates. Flower bouquets delivered and carried about during classes, holding hands, kissing on the quad. All of these simple displays were denied to him while in public. There were places they could go, of course. Off campus places. And while sometimes he enjoyed going to gay affirming spaces, because he so badly wanted to just be safe and accepted while not hiding his relationship, sometimes he wanted to be able to have a typically Romantic night without having to seek safety.

Sometimes he and Sean went on dates in public, but then they had to be so very careful about their behavior and words. And he didn't want that on Valentine's Day, either.

Instead he and Sean had chosen to stay in for the evening. This was made all the easier by the fact that they lived together now, so there were no roommates or family members who needed to be distracted for the duration of their date.

Josh had borrowed a tablecloth from his mother (without asking her; he hoped he could get it back without her noticing) and ordered takeout from the Chinese restaurant between his classes and their apartment. He'd picked it up on the way home. Sean had provided the candles, the floral centerpiece, and the dessert.

"Do you want to watch our movie later?" Josh asked hopefully after they had finished with dessert. Although he wasn't much interested in movies on his own, this one was special.

Sean smiled and reached across the table to squeeze his hand. "Of course, Slim. And we can provide our own finale."

Josh grinned in response. "I couldn't think of a better way to end the night."

[Josh Bernstein]

Feb. 6 1978

---

In all his nearly 18 years of life, Joshua Bernstein had never experienced a snow day. Snow was an expected condition in the winter, no more worthy of shutting down schools than the rain.

The only attention he had paid to the local weather station warning of severe snowstorms was to exclaim indignantly about the homeless. His family regularly donated blankets, jackets and warm socks to the homeless come winter time, and with the promise of a snowstorm on the horizon they had done so again that weekend. It would negatively impact the homeless, because any extreme weather state would negatively impact the homeless.

But he hadn't thought it would impact him.

: "What do you mean we don't have school today?" He frowned over a grapefruit at his mother. She was puffing away at her cigarette, which he knew meant that she wasn't especially happy about this situation either.

"I hope they're wrong about the weather," She sighed, leaning against the table, her elbow weighting down the newspaper she was reading.

Talia scrunched her face up at the smoke. "If it's really that bad then why didn't daddy stay at home?"

Josh nodded in agreement. There had already been several snowstorms this year alone, and they had still gone to school.

Their mother shrugged expansively at the question. "If he needs to come home, he'll get home," She assured them. Although she said she wasn't concerned about the weather she still wouldn't allow them out of the house, to Josh's annoyance.

"But it's a snowday!" He whined. "I want to build snowmen!" He envisioned crafting snowmen on the sidewalk with Donald and Becca, perhaps giving them a sign or two to hold.

His mother shook her head firmly. "Absolutely not. Today is an indoor day."

Josh heaved a sigh of frustration and flopped onto the couch.

"Why don't you read a book?" His mother suggested gently as she turned on the television to the news. "Or study?"

Josh grumbled under his breath and stomped to his room, passing Talia on the way; she was hauling her fabrics and sewing machine into the living room.

At lunch time Matt called. "Dad isn't home yet?" He asked after everyone else in the family was accounted for. "I heard on the news people were being sent home..."

He confirmed that Buffalo was also experiencing an exceptionally difficult snowstorm. "I have food and water and blankets," He added before his mother could ask. "Stay warm!"

Josh stared out the kitchen window, watching the blur of snow tossed about by the wind. Although they were safe inside and lunch was warm -- tomato soup and grilled cheese, a household favorite -- he shivered. The outside world was blanketed in white; it was almost impossible to tell that a city was there at all. Only white and more white, in different formations and heights. Powerlines dipped low from the weight of snowflakes that individually were microscopic, the tops of cars could barely be seen.

After lunch all three of them huddled in the living room together. Talia sat on the floor,carefully tending to her latest sewing project. Josh was idly attempting to revise an essay due in a few weeks, but the television was a distraction. His mother smoked, and watched, but she didn’t say much, which was always a sign that she was worried.

Their father wasn't home in time for dinner. Talia devoured her stuffed cabbage rolls; Charlie only nibbled at hers. Josh didn't feel much like eating, either; her worry was contagious.

"He should have called," She muttered under her breath while they cleaned up after dinner. She washed the dishes in the sink, and Talia dried them. Josh began to put the leftovers away.

As he opened the refrigerator the lights flickered, and then they were plunged into darkness. The water from the tap continued to pour for several seconds, but then slowed to a drip.

Charlie's voice quavered as she turned the sink off. "I'm going to get the flashlights."

The Bernstein family kept several flashlights in the coat closet by the front door; they were rarely used, and Josh didn't think about them much anymore now that he didn't want them to practice shadow puppets with. But he was glad now that they had them.

His mother handed one to each of them. Each stream of light only illuminated directly in front of the person holding it, but this was better than nothing.

“Talia?” Charlie pulled open the drawer closest to the fridge, rummaging through until she found a solitary key attached to a peace sign keyring. “I need you to go check on Ms. Fermi.”

Ms. Fermi was an elderly woman who lived several doors down. She had neither married nor had children, and had always lived alone as far as Josh was aware. His family had looked out for her for as long as he could remember, making sure that she hadn’t fallen or that she didn’t need help with groceries or asking for repairs from the superintendent.

Talia accepted the key dutifully and slipped into the hallway.

Charlie sighed as her youngest child disappeared into the darkness. “Oh, boopkie.” She murmured, gesturing toward the hallway with her flashlight. “Help me fetch the extra blankets out of the linen closet.”

As he was the taller of the pair he pulled the blankets from the shelves while she shone her light into the cavernous dark. He carefully piled each blanket onto the floor, one on top of the other, until there was a tower of blankets.

“Where do you want to put them?” He asked.

Charlie stared a bit at the pile of blankets, gnawing her lower lip in thought. Finally she said, “Let’s take them into the living room. We can divvy them up once we know if Ms. Femi needs any or not.”

Josh nodded and grabbed a handful of blankets from the pile; his flashlight, tucked into trouser pockets, threw light onto the ceiling.

As they placed the blankets on the sofa a knock sounded at the door. Charlie and Josh exchanged a look; Talia wouldn’t knock. She hadn’t even locked the door behind her.

They hurried into the hallway together, opening the door with bated breath.

It was Becca.

“Hello, Mrs. Bernstein. Josh.” She scratched behind her ear nervously. “I’m sorry to bother, but neither of my parents came home and..and….”

“Come in, dear,” Charlie swept her son’s girlfriend into the apartment with one hand, shutting the door behind them. “Did you eat? I’m afraid I can’t warm up dinner, but I can’t imagine it’s gotten very cold yet, what with the fridge being off.”

“Dad isn’t back, either,” Josh offered. One hand swept the flashlight up to the cabinets while he fetched a plate, and then down to the drawers for flatware. “Did your parents call?”

“Mom called to say she was leaving the office but that was hours ago…” Becca sniffed, hands clasped in her lap.

Charlie placed a hand on the girl’s shoulder, “We can call her office in the morning. Perhaps she wasn’t able to leave after all.”

Becca lifted her face to look the older woman in the eye. “Do you think the power will be back on by then?”

Charlie nodded certainly. “Of course.”

Josh arranged leftovers from dinner on the counter, filling up Becca’s plate. “They can’t leave us without power during a snowstorm.”

Unfortunately, they very well could. Snow drifts blocked the streets, piled so high that nobody could get through. No company was willing to send their electricians out to work in such conditions; even had there been access the snow would have hindered their operations, and the winds might have knocked the power out again anyway.


The storm continued unabated the next day. Nothing could be seen out the windows but a howling maelstrom of white. Talia lead Ms. Femi to the Bernstein’s apartment the next morning, and the group huddled together in the living room. They brought the blankets and pillows from the bedrooms to keep warm despite the lack of heating; food had to be eaten room temperature.

There was still no electricity, and so no word heard from any of the missing adults.

Although it was daytime the storm outside darkened the whole world; they couldn’t read or study or watch television.

And so they sang. They sang Shema Yisrael, and they sang Where Have All the Flowers Gone. They sang Dayeinu and they sang This Land Is Your Land. And still the storm blew on.

Two days after it had arrived the storm finally dissipated. Several hours later the electricity hummed back into existence. The world outside was a frozen wasteland -- and remained so for over a month.

But for now they were grateful for the return of heat and light.

“This calls for a warm meal,” Charlie announced, bouncing to her feet and heading towards the kitchen.

Ms. Femi shuffled after her, insisting that she ought to help while her hostess assured her that she could never accept the help of a guest.

Soon enough they all sat around the table sipping hot tea and dipping toasted bread into steaming chicken soup. While they were eating the phone began to ring insistently.

“Becca! It’s your mother, she and your father just arrived home and wanted to know if Josh knew where you were.”

Becca hurried to take the phone Mrs. Bernstein held out to her, assuring her parents that she was safe. Then she thanked her hosts and took her leave.

Charlie stared at the door after her, shoulders slumping.

“I wish--” Josh began, and then the door creaked open and Bobby Bernstein stepped through. He was dusted in snow from hat to brogues but was smiling as he set down his briefcase by the coatrack.

He shook the snow from his coat and hung it up and then pulled his family into a hug.

“I’m home.”

[Josh Bernstein]

Post Break up

---

It was nearly nine o clock, but Josh had only just stuck his dinner in the microwave when an urgent rat-a-tat sounded from his front door. He frowned in puzzlement. He was expecting neither visitors nor packages (although packages would surely never be delivered so late!) and so he couldn't fathom who might be at his door.

Perhaps a family member had dropped by for an impromptu visit? But it was so unlike them to not even call! Did one of his friends need something and the phone couldn't do?

When he opened the door, however, the woman there was someone he didn't recognize.

"This is yours." She announced, shoving a letter in his face. "It was in our box."

Mail was delivered to the bottom floor, stuck into metal boxes near the entryway. Each resident had a key to their mailbox, so that nobody could abscond with someone else's mail.

Having a key did not prevent the mail carrier from occasionally stuffing a letter in the wrong box.

"Oh." Josh blinked, and then looked down at the letter. His name was unmistakable, as was Sean's return address.

"Thank you, ahhh...?"

"Trina." She pursed her lips and then looked him up and down. "You just moved in, didn't you?"

Josh nodded. "Yes. I'm Josh, by the way. Josh Bernstein. Do you want to come in..? I can put on coffee."

She waved a hand dismissively. "I gotta get back, Katy'll worry if I stay away too long. But stop on by tomorrow! We can have ya over for dinner. We're just down a floor, 203."

Josh's face lit up at this invitation. "What time should I be there?"

Trina stuck her tongue between her teeth as she mentally calculated. "You can come over around six. I'll let Katy'n'Davy know to expect you."

"I'll be there!" Josh promised and Trina smiled.

A new apartment, and now new friends.

Perhaps this was the fresh start he needed.